When your child makes a bad friend, your response determines your child's future social skills.
In the world of adults, we worry about our husbands having a drunken friend, or our wives having a best friend who likes to have an affair with someone, because we worry about the people around us being led astray, and we firmly believe that "those who are close to the vermilion are red, and those who are close to the ink are black." !
The writer Goethe also said, "As long as you tell me what kind of people you have, I can say, what kind of people you are."
This is true for adults, let alone children who are not familiar with the world. We will be more worried that he is not careful to make friends and learn bad!
- Parents need to pay attention. Tom's mother was worried recently. She heard from the school teacher that Tom likes to bully children at school,give them nicknames, laugh at them, and join several children to fight against disobeying the teacher! He never used to be like this! When asked, we learned that Tom recently made a new friend, the child likes to do this, he found it interesting, so follow the example! Mom reminded him not to play with this child, but Tom didn't listen: "I want to play with him"!
The simple and brutal way to cut off your child from his friends is counterproductive!
Xiao Ran is a 13-year-old girl who just graduated from elementary school, but this child who was originally quiet and understanding suddenly turned bad at the age of 12. Irritable, irritable, disobedient, confrontational to mom and dad! Also often play with delinquent teenagers in the name of making friends, learned to smoke, drink, late, late at night, and even stay out all night …… turned out to be a female classmate of Xiaoran, often take her out to play.
The parents had no choice but to consult a psychologist and were reminded to realize that the time when the child became bad was the time when Xiaoran's father cheated and her parents quarreled every day. The two of them were fighting every day. Xiao Ran found that only when she was out late at night did her mom and dad stop fighting and make a concerted effort to find her, so she became more aggressive and just wanted a better relationship between mom and dad!
Sometimes a child's "bad behavior" is determined by a combination of factors. Such as family conflicts, parental indifference, insufficient family discipline, parents not teaching him the right concept of friendship, the child's own preferences, etc. Friends are not necessarily the direct cause of a child's bad behavior, but they are definitely one of the causes!
Parents need to pay attention to and help their children to build good peer relationships!
02 What does peer relationships mean to a child?
According to Francis Bacon, "The lack of true friends is the purest and most pitiful loneliness, and without friendship the world of ours is but a wilderness."
Developmental psychologists such as Piaget have also suggested that children have "two worlds in childhood, one in which parents and children interact, and one in which peers interact.
How important are peer relationships to children?
Research shows that 70% of human conversation time and content is related to socialization. The need for socialization is an innate psychological need. When children develop peer relationships, they are actually satisfying their social needs.
Psychologist Harlow, known as Mr. Monkey, did an "isolation experiment" with rhesus monkeys. To study the social behavior of monkeys without peer interaction. He bred a large number of rhesus monkeys. As soon as the young were born, he divided them into the following three living environments.
Complete isolation, no mother, no peers
living with only the mother and no companions
Only companions living together, no mother
Six months later the study showed that:
Monkeys that lived only with their mothers lacked maternal affection and were closely attached to their companions, who could act as partial substitutes for their mothers and had social behaviors. But not enough to have the same security effects as their mothers to interact normally with other members outside the group.
The mother-only monkey, however,which has an abnormal behavior pattern, is either avoidant or aggressive toward strangers, and suffers from social impairment.
Long-term interaction with peers can give children a sense of security and belonging, a relaxed, lively and pleasant mood, and emotional and affective development in a direction appropriate to social requirements, enabling them to adapt better to society in the future.
If a child is not able to have a good peer relationship, he or she will have difficulty adapting to school life and will be depressed and depressed, and will not be able to learn in a good state of learning.
Good peer relationships have a great impact on a child's mental health and can directly affect social patterns later in life.
03 How can parents appropriately control the world of children?
Choosing friends is a prudent thing to do." Good friends can work with children to move forward; bad friends can pull children down into the abyss. Therefore, parents must have control over their children's peer relationships!
When children want to get close to him and sit down near him, he will say, "I don't like you, go away and ignore you".
When playing together, he would dislike others who moved too slowly: "You're too stupid, I'll do it for you".
Gradually, children no longer like to play with him. Once the children played the game "Let's invite someone", and he was the only one who was not invited ……
Like Xiao Xi, or Tom mentioned above, when you find that your child suddenly has bad behavior, such as starting to curse, ridicule, speak badly, some toys inexplicably, or suddenly start to often lose their temper or silence, it is likely that your child's peer relationship has some situation. Parents should then do appropriate guidance.
Parents should pay special attention to their children's peer relationships when they are in kindergarten and elementary school, but it is too late to intervene when they reach adolescence. Don't tell your child every day that he or she can play with this and not that, it will mislead the child's criteria for choosing friends. You can keep an eye on your child's peer relationships and guide them appropriately when there are problems.
What is the best way to guide your child's peer relationships based on respect?
As a parent, it is important to guide your child's peer relationships with respect. You can't force your child to say, "You don't need to play with so-and-so in the future," as this will only result in a botched attempt to cause confrontation and rebellion!
Tell your child the healthy and correct criteria for choosing friends: don't be friends with a child who hurts others or yourself, be friends with a child who helps others or yourself!
However, if parents find their children in a bad environment, such as being violent in school, they must help their children get out of the bad environment and help them find the right social circle for their children.
Although "careless friendships" have a great impact on children, but parents still should not interfere too much, must respect the child's own choice!
Develop your child's ability to independently judge the criteria for choosing friends!
We can't take care of everything for our children, but we have to help them grow!
Peer relationships, we can not always help children to arrange, so that children learn to make independent judgments is the way to grow.
Judith Harris research was published and she believes that the world of children has rules and principles by which children operate, and these principles determine how children get along with their peers.
Principle number one is the principle of minority over majority, in any group!
Principle number two: that the most influential and best liked, are the most popular, and this is for children to realize!
Principle three: once in a circle of friends, you will be more and more like the same group of small partners, while the differences with other groups are getting bigger and bigger. So be sure to choose a good circle of friends.
These principles need to be understood by parents ourselves first, and then subconsciously use this to guide our children in choosing friends:.
Tell him that when you don't know right from wrong and good from bad, most people tend to be right and good.
Telling him that people who are good and liked by all are the ones who will be treated more favorably, but everyone has the opportunity to be good.
Telling him to make friends by standing with the majority so that you are more likely to get better and better.
Bringing children to understand the truth about friendship.